It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.