Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates.
War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands.
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.
Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk.
Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.
For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed.
Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love.
The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man.
I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone.
The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.
The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.
In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.
Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
All government, of course, is against liberty.
God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.
The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.
One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring.
When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before.