The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.